Sunday, 21 July 2013
A friend of mine, Reginald Butler, wrote to the Daily Mail. Here is his letter.
Dear Daily Mail,
I am writing to complain about your publication. I have been diligently reading the Daily Mail and The Mail on Sunday for 2 weeks now, but haven't gleaned any news of Princess Diana. Avail has been lacking. In fact, I have been reading the DM for 10 years now, and I am still ignorant of Diana's bra size. She was the People's Princess, you will not silence the People! It's all very well the DM making charity appeals, but where would you be if Lady Di hadn't invented giving? Nowhere.
If this wasn't enough, your weather forecast was wrong yesterday. I'm not going to specify the date of yesterday, you'll just have to work it out for yourselves.
And another thing, your horoscope was wrong the other week. Again. I was not floating like a Bumble Bee at the prospect of a new love. Nor was I excited like a badger at a change of career direction. I was up at 6am with the new DM, trying to fill in yesterday's crossword before the wife got up.
Not only this, but I was mugged today, and therefore had to buy another book of stamps. If your stories of criminals and immigrants were sufficiently terrifying, I would have been too paranoid to leave the house. Instead, I'm in this situation. It's Political Correctness gone inadequate.
And why haven't you covered the news about the Romanian lads being sold into sex slavery? They come over here, take it up the arse. There's plenty of good looking English boys that could handle a cock. Bloody E.U. Don't start that. I'm not racist, I'm just big boned.
I've also noticed a decline in you celebrity coverage. How can I hope to attain social mobility if I'm not kept abrest of the ruling class? Read and re-read the deeds of the great commanders Napoleon said. Without a daily glimpse of Pippa Middleton's Bottom, I can barely cope with seeing my wife.
And we need to know more about the paedos. Let's have more wedding rings, and less paedophile rings! I have a feudal obligation to buy your newspaper, and expect better. Is this what my great, great, great uncle died for in the Boer War? If your coverage doesn't improve, I shall have to start thinking for myself.
P.S. Please pass this on to Camelot. 2 pound for the lottery is a disgrace. I have to gamble for my bad back.
To contact Reginald Butler, email him at email@example.com