Monday, 8 December 2014

Tenuous News: Coarse Play

Tenuous News can exclusively reveal that 'banter' has been abolished in the UK. It is anticipated that Twitter will cease to exist within a week.

The Emancipation Proclamation, which only sufficed as a lunch time measure, has been reinforced by actual legislation. Small talk of an overtly cretinous nature will no longer be tolerated.

This is the crowning culmination of a long hard struggle fought over decades. Back in 2004, Rosa Recreation gave voice to a movement when she refused to sit at the back of the Banter Bus.

Such designation had been usual for those who refrained from inane and weakly adversarial comments regarding association football, the opposite sex, alcohol tolerance and sexual orientation.

Contrary to popular belief, it was not the first time Rosa had made such a protest; she had been taking such a stand for many years.

The Banter laws had previously forbidden any wit to be used in acerbic utterances. It is said that David Cameron was unaware that such a law was still on the books.

University students will no longer have to stoically engage in this tedious verbal jousting.

Some activists feel that the new law doesn't go far enough however:

"This is a great day, but although banal jibing between football supporters will now be a thing of the past, these individuals will still be able to measure their self worth by the performance of international millionaires that they can't possibly relate to." said Rachel Brown, a solemn agitator.

Until today, it had been legal for some communities to only allow those willing to engage in banter access to certain bars. In 2010, sports bars were forced to admit customers who found the notion of homosexuality as inferior bewildering.

Not everyone however is in favour of the new law:

"I've built my entire career on banter, what am I to do now? I'll have to garner support from the banks or something." -Boris Johnson, London Mayor

Many see the new legislation as another example of 'Gesture Politics' though, as much of banter is already illegal under sexual harassment laws.

Tenuous News is of the view though that banning banter sends the right message, and will encourage people to think, in lieu of vocal abuse.

None of this piece is true, it's just banter.

Sunday, 23 November 2014


Before you judge a man, make him walk a mile in your shoes, so he knows why you’re judging him.

What a Koala Over Nothing

A koala Duke who has been at the port.

Alistair Darling

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Pick Up a Penguin. Or a Woman, Or Whatever.

Pick Up Artists, or heterosexual men as they used to be known as, have been in the news recently. I find this odd as the phenomenon has been around for at least a decade.

Perhaps it has manifested itself into something more corrosive, but I remember it featuring on many television shows a while back, even those as anodyne as Richard & Judy. I recall a particular programme where experts aided the womanising efforts of the amorously unsuccessful. Naturally it was on Channel 4 (UK).

It mostly appeared to be a combination of 'Get Confident Stupid!' (thank you Troy McClure) and playing the percentages.

The dating czar/guru/wise elder (please choose the one that popular newspaper outlets are currently wearing out) repeatedly urged his padawans (disclaimer: you should never use 'force' to have relations with a woman) to drop an SOI. This meant telling the female that she was 'sexy', and no other word would do.

I don't think I have ever used the adjective in that context. This largely appeared to be harmless wank designed to educate people who need the obvious and desire the spurious to be foisted upon them. But, recently it does look as if the 'movement' has developed into something more odious, in the form Julien Blanc.

Most amusing has been seeing Russell Brand attempt to distance himself from this belief system, which is rather juxtaposed with the fact that 'The Game' (the supposed PUA bible) has his express endorsement on it. A bit like Lenin trying to tell us that he disapproves of Marxism (would that make Blanc Stalin? Yes).

The travelling booksellers in Saigon were always trying to sell 'The Game' to backpackers, which perhaps gives an indication about the quality of the book and the type of people that read it.

But I digress. However bad Sachgate was, the real villain that has been chosen for us by The Guardian is Blanc, who admittedly does not appear to be whiter than white.

However, if feminists imagine that making Julien 'The Most Hated Man in the World' will render him less successful with women, then I think that they are severely mistaken.

Hitler after all held this title for many years, and was very popular with the female populace. You could say he was the ultimate bad boy, if you will (oh, go on).

The tendency of this extremist sect of heterosexual men to be verbally (and allegedly physically) abusive towards women in order to get inside them is rather reminiscent of the conservative approach towards government.

Hopefully this acerbic behaviour towards heterosexual females will become so commonplace that being benign to women in a meek fashion will become edgy and cool.

It would be good if that happens, but I shall be too busy searching for small mammals and writing prattle to notice.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Ed Milliband

Ed Milliband is a creature of the intellectual elite, that has been  purposely trained to identify with the common person.

The result is something like a watermelon grown in a square box. There's nothing technically wrong with it, but it looks unnatural, and it just doesn't seem right.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Standing in the Way Championship Final

Good afternoon, we'll be covering the Standing in the Way Championship Final live in just a few minutes.

This is a much tougher event than the Doubles, without a partner to aid their lack of awareness, or engage in banal conversations.

And they're not off!

Here's Ms.Cretin, a 40 year old proto-elderly woman from Middle England.

As usual she's begun with the inane chit chat. Many athletes prefer to say nothing, but Ms. Cretin keeps motivated through bantering.

Team Middle England may lack the stamina of the Chinese, but their game is all about the positioning.

And we can see Mr. Sun of China now, simply holding himself upright, determined not to move.

He seems oblivious to the existence of any other humans, which is quite impressive considering that there are around a billion people in China.

Ms. Cretin here is doing awfully well, she's standing exactly in the way, almost perfectly equidistant from either side of the path.

All she needs is to be intelligent and considerate enough to move to one side, but  she refuses to do so.

Not to be outdone we have Mr. Park representing South Korea. Team Korea of course mostly come from the agrarian areas of the country that lack stimuli and have provided so many winners over the years.

We're seeing such stoicism from Mr. Sun, he just will not move until the event is declared over, and is ordered to do so by authority.

One of the judges has hit Mr. Park over the head with a cricket bat, as is his privilege, and Mr. Park continues to look like an inebriated cow, showing no reactions whatsoever.

Quite an extraordinary final, it's anybody's yet.

And they're still not moving!

Ms. Cretin has just blown it, she could no longer stand there without buying something she doesn't need, and Team Middle England will have to settle for bronze.

Mr. Sun is getting out his iPad now, this a little less disciplined, but they wont care on the Chinese bench because he is still very much being obtrusive, taking photos where people need to walk.

And Mr. Park has finally fallen over under the weight of his own inertia, so Mr. Sun claims gold for China, and Mr. Park for South Korea has to settle for silver.

Even in defeat Ms. Cretin is speaking rather than saying anything, which goes to show what a model professional she is.

A little disappointing for Team Middle England, but they should have better luck in the Wasting Everybody's Time at the Checkout Semi Final.