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Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Piers Morgan Vs US Gun Lobby

Enough is enough.

Until America wakes up, stops their partisan bickering, and actually passes some meaningful anti-Piers Morgan legislation, this kind of senseless waste of space is going to continue.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

A History of Coffee

With Joseph Snow



Royal Mail Privatisation

This scene from The Life of Brian is how I imagine the Royal Mail shares sell off went. 

The shares were valued by experts to be worth around 450 pence, and in the end were sold for 330 pence a share. 

Already the shares are worth far more than they were sold for, and there are accusations that the state is being undervalued and sold to George Osborne's mates. 

I couldn't possibly comment, but I suspect the sell off went something like this:


A City Trader has been suspected of insider trading, and consequently is on the run...

City trader: "How much for these shares, quick?"

Tories: "Oh, er, 4 pounds 50 a share."

C: "Right."

T: "What?"

C: "There you are."

T: "Wait a minute. We're supposed to haggle."

C: "No no, I've got other things to do..."

T; "What do you mean 'no, no, no'?"

C: "I haven't got time..."

T: "Well give it back then."

C: "No, I just paid you."

T: "Boris!"

Boris Johnson: "Yep"

T: "This trader won't haggle."

B: "Wont haggle?"

C: "Alright. Do we have to?"

T: "Now look, I want 4 pound 50 a share."

C: "I gave you 4 pound 50 a share!"

T: "Now are you telling me that's not worth 4 pounds 50 a share?"

C: "No."

T: "Royal Mail is a quality organisation, not like the railways."

C: "Oh, I'll give you 4 pound then."

T: "No, no. do it properly."

C: "What?'

T: "Haggle properly. This isn't worth 4 pound."

C: "You just said it was worth 4 pound 50!"

T: "Boris!"

C: "I'll give you 2 25."

T: "That's more like it. 2 25! Are you trying to rob the Taxpayer, 2 25!? Us with huge debt...2 25!?

C: "2 70."

T: "Now you're getting it. 2 70? Did I hear you right? 2 70?? Stockbrokers have valued the stock at 3 pound— do you want to break the government?"

C: "3 25"

T: "3 25!?"

C: "3 50?"

T: "No, no, no- you go to 3 15 now!"

C: "3 15."

T: "3 15? Are you joking?"

C: "That's what you told me to say! Tell me what to say, please!"

T: "Offer me 3 15."

C: "I'll give you 3 15."

T: "He's offering me 3 15 for this!"

C: "3 35."

T: "3 40. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead."

C: "3 30!"

T: "Done! Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in a mortgage subsidy as well"

C: "I don't want it, but thanks."

T: "Boris!"

B: "Yes?"

C: "All right! All right!! Thank you."

T: "Where's the 3 30 a share then?"

C: "I already gave you 4 50 for them."

T: "Oh yes ... that's 1 pound a share I owe you then."

C:"... It's all right, it doesn't matter."

T: "Hang on."

C: "It's all right, that's 1 pound a share for the mortgage guarantee— that's fine!"

T: "1 pound a share for the mortgage help. 1 pound!! That's worth 3 pounds a share."

C: "You just gave it to me for nothing!"

T: "Yes, but it's worth 3 pounds."

C: "All right, all right."

T: "No, no, no. It's not worth 3 pounds. You're supposed to argue. 'What? 3 pounds a share for that? You must be mad!'"

"Ah well, there's one born every minute."



Sunday, 21 July 2013

Reginald Butler

A friend of mine, Reginald Butler, wrote to the Daily Mail. Here is his letter.


Dear Daily Mail,

I am writing to complain about your publication. I have been diligently reading the Daily Mail and The Mail on Sunday for 2 weeks now, but haven't gleaned any news of Princess Diana. Avail has been lacking. In fact, I have been reading the DM for 10 years now, and I am still ignorant of Diana's bra size. She was the People's Princess, you will not silence the People! It's all very well the DM making charity appeals, but where would you be if Lady Di hadn't invented giving? Nowhere. 

If this wasn't enough, your weather forecast was wrong yesterday. I'm not going to specify the date of yesterday, you'll just have to work it out for yourselves.

And another thing, your horoscope was wrong the other week. Again. I was not floating like a Bumble Bee at the prospect of a new love. Nor was I excited like a badger at a change of career direction. I was up at 6am with the new DM, trying to fill in yesterday's crossword before the wife got up. 

Not only this, but I was mugged today, and therefore had to buy another book of stamps. If your stories of criminals and immigrants were sufficiently terrifying, I would have been too paranoid to leave the house. Instead, I'm in this situation. It's Political Correctness gone inadequate. 

And why haven't you covered the news about the Romanian lads being sold into sex slavery? They come over here, take it up the arse. There's plenty of good looking English boys that could handle a cock. Bloody E.U. Don't start that. I'm not racist, I'm just big boned. 

I've also noticed a decline in you celebrity coverage. How can I hope to attain social mobility if I'm not kept abrest of the ruling class? Read and re-read the deeds of the great commanders Napoleon said. Without a daily glimpse of Pippa Middleton's Bottom, I can barely cope with seeing my wife.

And we need to know more about the paedos. Let's have more wedding rings, and less paedophile rings! I have a feudal obligation to buy your newspaper, and expect better. Is this what my great, great, great uncle died for in the Boer War? If your coverage doesn't improve, I shall have to start thinking for myself.

Yours,

A Taxpayer,

Reginald Butler.


P.S. Please pass this on to Camelot. 2 pound for the lottery is a disgrace. I have to gamble for my bad back.


To contact Reginald Butler, email him at makesmybloodboil@gmail.com

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Raising Awareness

Ah, it's the celebrated actor/children's author/singer/model/fashion
designer/entrepreneur/humourist...

I can turn my hand to anything. My mind is lacking, but my hands are there.

You don't have to keep saying 'slash', you can just call me Peter. May
I sit down?

Yes, of course. I'm afraid the other guests are a little late, we may
as well start eating.

Did you here about that earthquake in Japan?

No, what about it?

Well, I saw on the news that thousands of children over there have
become homeless. I intend to do a sponsored hop on television.

You are an extremely wealthy man Peter, could you not simply give some money?

No, no, it is important to raise awareness. I mean what if everyone
thought like that? We'd just have money for those who need it, and no
awareness!

Might people become aware of it as you have done, through the news?

It's possible, I suppose. Pass me the sushi Carol. Thanks.

I had no idea that there were people in the world without food until
this morning. I read that the mafia in Sicily blew up an orphanage.
How terrible. Now the little things have nowhere to go.
I ought to do some sort of concert about it.

Could you perhaps go over there and help them?

Oh goodness me no. I wouldn't have time to do my sponsored hop if I
had to fly over to Italy. Awareness must be raised about all sorts of
things.

When is this hop due to take place?

Difficult to say. Everyone must be made aware before I act. One false
move could bring the entire endeavour crashing down.

Well, I knew about the whole thing. That's why I didn't ask you any
questions about it. Terrible business.

Pass the pasta. Thanks.

Carol and I are thinking of going on holiday soon...

That reminds me, did you hear about that plane crash over the
Atlantic? Going from Paris to New York? Just goes to show, my
awareness about the disaster was raised at lunchtime earlier. My prayers are with them.

I suspect their family members have already prayed for them, and it
doesn't seem to made much difference as yet Peter.

True, but celebrity prayer does get higher priority. Do pass the French fries.

Peter, we have have a whole table of food here, why don't you eat
something that is already in front of you?

Oh my, bangers and mash. I think I shall. You've raised my awareness.
Oh dear. Oh carol, I'm ever so sorry. What a disaster.

It's ok, really...

I must go tell the neighbours. If I raise enough awareness, we can get
you a new bowl...

Really, there's no need, if you just...

There's no time to lose.

I wasn't aware that Peter was so annoying.

Friday, 31 May 2013

Women: In Heterospect

Throughout my (admittedly intermittent) time in society and in women, I have gleaned a few truths. I have made these observations from very far and very close up, and would like to think that I can see the woods for the trees, for, if nothing else, simply because I do not stay in the forest all that long.

It would appear to me that it is difficult being a woman. Not because of period pain (although I'm informed that is unpleasant) but due to the fact that what constitutes an alpha male is convoluted and forever changing. Granted whom heterosexual men find attractive also evolves, but far more gradually. This truth is ever present, but is even more pronounced when looking at periods of history that were deep in socio-economic flux. A classic example being Bill Gates. I don't know, but I suspect that he didn't get many dates in High School.

Regarding social mobility, it strikes me that in today's society it is still better to be a successful man than a successful woman, but conversely it is more beneficial to be an unsuccessful woman than an unsuccessful man. In short, the risk is higher for a man, but so is the reward. This it would seem, merely indicates how far our societies have yet to go before being equal.

Something I have noticed, is that risk-takers, from the developed West at least, aren't dying out anymore; they're just getting laid. A French Lothario in the 18th century would probably have lost a duel before his 25th birthday. Now, an arrogant man can be as outrageous as he likes, chase after women he shouldn't, and probably survive without a kicking. Certainly in my part of the world, bar room brawls are out of fashion.

It has become clear to me that women always like being chased, but do not necessarily like getting caught. To differentiate between the 2 circumstances is key. I learned this dichotomy through practice rather than study.

When women do wish to be chased- and caught,  it can be quite absurd just how elaborately they will set up a situation that will be conducive for them to be 'taken'. It is like seeing a mouse painstakingly set up a trap with cheese and everything, only to coerce itself. There is a certain type of woman who would never dream of saving time by simply throwing herself in the trap.

Of course, if the woman has been 'taken', no matter how intricate the process, then she is not cheating; the offending individual is the 'bad man', it is not her fault. From conversations with females, I gather that the preference is to reward a guy that is 'special' by taking it slow, and to punish a guy they don't like by fucking him, which is exactly the wrong way round. And of course, if the woman doesn't like him, then there's absolutely no possibility of her becoming emotionally attached, and it's all just harmless fun.
 
But no matter what the situation, whether the woman wants to be chased, caught, and taken, she will always salvage something from the circumstance to service her ego; no matter how vulgar the praise or unattractive the man. Not uncommon is for a woman to shoot the messenger but have sexual intercourse with the guy who sent him.

The messenger is undoubtedly the more shy of the two. If a shy man is promiscuous, then they are judged, yet a serial 'player' is deemed just 'like that'. A good many females profess to find shy men attractive, especially in movies, but a tragedy is only romantic if somebody else is watching. If the tree falls in the woods alone, it is merely sad. Most women will not walk across a busy bar to speak to a shy male on the off chance that they will find his personality attractive, any more than the average male will do the same for a female that is aesthetically ugly.

Romance is illusion + ambiguity. I think more women understand this than is usually given credit for, and realise that a necessary skill of being involved in infatuation is the ability to lie and be lied to.

And that concludes my notes on the subject. It could of course, all be nonsense. I feel that those with the most wisdom on the nature of women are not heterosexual men or women, but rather, highly intelligent homosexual males.

In particular, I would recommend reading the works of Oscar Wilde. You may perhaps have heard of him.


Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Approach With Caution

They may look like kindly old gents, but they are actually extremely racist.