Monday, 3 August 2015

Tenuous News: All Rhodes Lead to Cecil

In 2018, Zimbabwe will hold national elections. The ruling party ZANU-PF has split, with Mugabe likely facing Mujuru in the contest.

The Movement for Democratic Change has also seen some internal upheaval. Tsvangirai has been urged to step aside, and allow a charismatic young lion by the name of Rhodes to lead the party.

A member of MDC spoke to us on the condition of anonymity:
"We feel that Rhodes will be more popular with the electorate, and that when our candidate inevitably receives physical beatings, that at least our efforts will get international attention."

The hope is that a lion candidate will help broaden the appeal of the party, and demonstrate to the world that Zimbabwe is an inclusive society for all species.

"Frankly, I think it's highly patronising to suggest that all safari animals would vote for MDC just because there's a lion on the ticket" said a conservative observer.

We spoke with an MDC supporter:
"I think the comparisons with Caligula's equine senator are unfair, that was ridiculous as the senator was not properly elected."

"It's just a sad fact of political life in Africa these days that if you want to get in power you need a lion named after a white supremacist." said our source.

However, there are drawbacks to Rhode's candidacy. He will have to fight the common prejudiced view that male lions are lazy.

Rhode's lack of political experience though is seen as a great advantage, with many in Zimbabwe completely fed up with politics as usual.

"We got the idea to have a lion candidate after seeing Donald Trump's hair." said our source.

Very early polls put Rhodes far into the lead, but a lot could happen between now and the election in 3 years time, and there are rumours that Mugabe will step down as a candidate in favour of an unknown dentist.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Republican Candidates

The GOP field are bringing fear, they are bringing hate, they're racists, and some I assume are good people.

Friday, 3 July 2015


I'm all for equal rights, but it seems very fashionable to be born gay these days.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Tenuous News: A Marriage Made in Ireland

Immediately following the 'Yes' vote for gay marriage, millions of men have been unable to become aroused and have sexual relations with their wives.

The only good news to be gleaned from this is that increased sales for erectile dysfunction pills have boosted the world economy. The world's biggest seller of ED pills, the Prince of Nigeria has done particularly well out of the referendum.

The outlook for Ireland itself though looks bleak. The severe reduction of heterosexual activity will greatly diminish the population of Ireland to a degree not seen since the potato famine.

"This time we can't even blame England, we inflicted this upon ourselves with a 'Yes' vote. They better reverse this sooner than it took the English to repeal the Corn Laws." lamented Father Befuddled.

This may be just as well, for the remaining population will have to deal with floods of biblical proportions as a direct result of homosexuals getting married.

As Irish gays cause floods, and American gays create drought, a swap deal is already being discussed between the 2 governments.

"Even my faith has been shaken by this development. Some terrible things have been done in the name of our Good Lord, but this is the absolute blurst." said Father Befuddled.

Traditionally a natural union has been seen as a marriage between a man and a woman, or a lack of marriage between a priest and a child.

"It's the last days of Rome. Cats and dogs living together; mass hysteria." said Father Befuddled.

The threat of excommunication no longer frightens the Irish populace, 76% of whom believe that it refers to being defriended on facebook.

"It's theological illiteracy is what it is. It takes years of being in the faith to choose certain things prohibited in the Bible, in a way that perfectly matches your own prejudices." said Father Befuddled.

Having conquered marriage, the homosexual community have set their sights on other failed institutions, such as the Oireachtas, and even FIFA. Homosexualists have already seized control of the BBC, and their influence has spread throughout the world.

"I was in America preaching to the flock, and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force stormed the church." complained Father Befuddled.

There is however still hope in Ireland. The heterosexual holdout of Roscommon-South Leitrim, is seeing thousands of heterosexuals and Catholics flock to the region, which is sure to become a bastion of morality.

"Roscommon-South Leitrim will be the only place in the whole of Ireland in which an all-loving, all powerful, and all present God can feel secure, and we welcome Him." said Father Befuddled.

Meanwhile the outpouring of love and tolerance in Dublin has been unbearable for those who follow Jesus. 

Monday, 4 May 2015

Travail Blog: My Sweet Home Kyoto

Actually, as a whole I didn't especially like Kyoto. It reminded me too much of other small cities with an entitled feel, such as Brighton and Canterbury. Granted these 2 are nice to visit for a day, but I think you'd feel short changed if you stayed a couple of days, as I did in Kyoto. Perhaps it's a good place to live though.

Geisha's are terrifying by the way. I'm a little ignorant on the variants of Geisha and their roles, but regardless, I certainly wouldn't want to have sexual relations with the clown ghost I encountered.

The main purpose of my visit wasn't to overhear idiotic backpackers interrogate waiting staff on the contents of smoothies and demand visual previews of sandwiches; it was to make my pilgrimage to the Nintendo HQ.

I had finally made it to this hitherto mysterious and far away land of Japan. And this month got around to visiting Kyoto. The building itself was but a short walk from the subway station. You can't go in and there's not much to see. Bit like Mecca really, which is after all just a big cube.

The journey wasn't as long as I thought it would be, but the effect the visit would have on me was much more than I anticipated.

I sat in a nearby cafe, and looked at the silver Nintendo sign, thinking back to when I first saw it in green, accompanied by a 'bling!' on my Game Boy decades ago.

My 2DS battery was almost dead, but I managed to take a photo with it. This seemed to be symbolic of something.

I walked around the office building to take closer pictures and get a better look. It was hard to believe. It was such a modest structure. The nearby cafe bore no awareness of it's proximity to the centre of one of the world's biggest companies. The whole area was very humble, even derelict in places.

I'm not proud of it, but I broke down and cried. Such a ridiculous response I felt, and so little to see. But on reflection, I realise it was not such a silly or small thing.

Since my parents correctly surmised that a young autistic boy would be captivated by a Game Boy, Nintendo has been an enduring provider of entertainment.

I remember being grateful to my mother for helping me complete a game. I remember playing through Donkey Kong Country with my brother, I remember my sister yet again pressing the wrong button. I have fond memories of playing countless games of Mario Kart with my friends, and being privately devoured by the definitive story of good vs evil that is Ocarina of Time. I recall my father trying, and awkwardly failing to relate to me via my love of computer games.

But these are just details. Throughout the years as I have seen my situation profoundly change, my family torn asunder, and erstwhile friends abandon me (sometimes with justification, but gone nonetheless), Nintendo has been a constant source of happiness.

And this is why I lowered myself, and wept before 8 letters on a building.

Sunday, 26 April 2015

Tenuous News: Village People

In an effort to secure his position as the candidate for families, Ed Miliband has put pressure on David Cameron by declaring that Labour will provide a whole village for every child, taking inspiration from Nelson Mandela.

"No child in 21st century Britain should have to grow up without a small concubation to call their own." said Ed Miliband.

Boris Johnson has pointed out however that the Inheritance Tax would eventually affect every person in the UK.

"Let me explain." said Ed Miliband.

Such an initiative would reportedly cost 8 trillion pounds, but Ed Milliband insists that a Labour government would also balance the books.

"I was lucky enough to be have been raised by the Westminster Village, and I want to inflict that upon everyone in the UK." said Ed Miliband.

Despite apparently having found enough space to give every infant in the UK a village, Miliband still insists that there isn't enough room for more migrants, and vows to control immigration.

"As a normal person, I understand that the birth of a child is a very nervous time for families, not knowing where the next fiefdom is going to come from." said Ed Miliband.

The Conservatives are warning voters of a potential Labour SNP pact, claiming that the only space where the extra villages could be is in the highlands.

"Let me explain." said Ed Miliband.

The Green Party have suggested that with this policy, Labour are effectively stigmatising single parents.

"We respect single parent households, we' just want to provide a few hundred people to help care for their child, 25 hours a day, 8 days a week." said Ed Miliband.

Nick Clegg had an opinion on the subject, but it wasn't very interesting.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage, whose supporters mostly live in villages far from civilisation, waded into the debate:

"Finally we have the truth, Labour want the British people in our green and pleasant lands to serve Islington single mothers, who are probably Polish."

"Let me explain." said Ed Miliband.

David Cameron refused to comment, but we are reliably informed by an Empty Chair that the Conservatives will propose giving idiots the right to buy their village.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Rubio! "Kill the lawyer!"

I hope Marco Rubio and Hillary Clinton win their respective nominations so that we can witness a scene like this in the Presidential debates