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Wednesday, 22 May 2013
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
The Perfect British Cuppa: A Very Brief Guide
The correct way to make an British cuppa, is to conquer territories that have an abundancy of tea.
Then it's just a matter of getting the mixture right. Be sure to have both Muslims and Hindus, in order to maintain divisions essential to continuing outside rule.
After that, place the tea bag in the mug, and add hot water.
Then it's just a matter of getting the mixture right. Be sure to have both Muslims and Hindus, in order to maintain divisions essential to continuing outside rule.
After that, place the tea bag in the mug, and add hot water.
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Tenuous News: Boxer Rebellion
It has come to light that Tamerlan Tsarnaev had a history of boxing. Many in the US have called for all boxers to expelled from the country, and claim that it is clearly a hateful sport. It is also suspected that Saddam Hussein boxed as a young man.
"They have no respect for our democracy or our way of life. They should be kicked out irrespective of how peaceful they may appear outside the ring" said an Evangelist minister who wished to remain anonymous.
Pastor McLaughlin further added "I hear his brother was a wrestler. They're all the same to me."
Civil Rights groups have defended the profession of boxing, and have insisted that despite the rogue behaviour of a few boxers, that the sport is peaceful.
"I'm afraid that is nonsense" argued retired boxer 'Liberal Lumberjack' Gladstone. "The great majority of boxers aren't terrorists, but there is little doubt that the sport was founded upon, and spread through, the idea of violence."
Boxers are often isolated from the rest of mainstream society due to their need to train 5 times a day. There are fears that without moderate role models and representation, boxers are becoming radicalised.
As ordinary punch ups in places such as bars have become less socially acceptable and less commonplace, boxing has become increasingly radicalised.
The 'Liberal Lumberjack' suggested that "As boxing has become marginalised as a sport, the fighters have become more extremist. This wouldn't have happened in my day"
A spokesperson for the government stressed that their position on boxing hasn't changed:
"The vast majority of boxers are good decent Americans. However, we are determined to extinguish this extremist brand of pugilism".
A leading Republican Senator concurred but asserted that "The boxing community has to confront their rogue elements. If they want to have the same rights as other Americans, then every boxer must accept that they are responsible for the actions of their community."
Warning signs about the discontent within the boxing community were evident earlier this year, as a young boy attemtpted to flout the ban on boxing gloves in US public schools.
US Secretary of Education Anne Duncan stressed that:
"The ban is in place for all gloves, not just boxing gear"
"In any case" The Principal of the school pointed out "boxing gloves make it extremely difficult for the children to write"
Many groups are still calling for boxing rings across the country to be closed down. Increased security measures have already made it more difficult for boxers to enter the country. Even in states like Nevada, Boxing Commissioners are routinely rejecting requests to stage matches.
Rather than go after these terrorists directly, the FBI intends to let them run around, getting tired, and then knock them out.
Muhamed Ali is considered the greatest prophet of boxing. It may interest readers to know that the Islamic prophet Muhamed got his name from the boxing leader.
The majority of boxers believe they will receive 72 virgins before they die. Boxers have often been in trouble for their treatment of women, but representatives of the sport insist that women are adequately involved in the field of boxing.
Polls show that 90% of Americans believe that President Obama is secretly a boxer, and that his basketball sessions are a ploy to conceal this.
Tenuous News concludes that, as long as the boxing community deigns to harm only themselves, they should be at liberty to do so in peace. However, when their hateful violence affects the public in general, then action must be taken.
"They have no respect for our democracy or our way of life. They should be kicked out irrespective of how peaceful they may appear outside the ring" said an Evangelist minister who wished to remain anonymous.
Pastor McLaughlin further added "I hear his brother was a wrestler. They're all the same to me."
Civil Rights groups have defended the profession of boxing, and have insisted that despite the rogue behaviour of a few boxers, that the sport is peaceful.
"I'm afraid that is nonsense" argued retired boxer 'Liberal Lumberjack' Gladstone. "The great majority of boxers aren't terrorists, but there is little doubt that the sport was founded upon, and spread through, the idea of violence."
Boxers are often isolated from the rest of mainstream society due to their need to train 5 times a day. There are fears that without moderate role models and representation, boxers are becoming radicalised.
As ordinary punch ups in places such as bars have become less socially acceptable and less commonplace, boxing has become increasingly radicalised.
The 'Liberal Lumberjack' suggested that "As boxing has become marginalised as a sport, the fighters have become more extremist. This wouldn't have happened in my day"
A spokesperson for the government stressed that their position on boxing hasn't changed:
"The vast majority of boxers are good decent Americans. However, we are determined to extinguish this extremist brand of pugilism".
A leading Republican Senator concurred but asserted that "The boxing community has to confront their rogue elements. If they want to have the same rights as other Americans, then every boxer must accept that they are responsible for the actions of their community."
Warning signs about the discontent within the boxing community were evident earlier this year, as a young boy attemtpted to flout the ban on boxing gloves in US public schools.
US Secretary of Education Anne Duncan stressed that:
"The ban is in place for all gloves, not just boxing gear"
"In any case" The Principal of the school pointed out "boxing gloves make it extremely difficult for the children to write"
Many groups are still calling for boxing rings across the country to be closed down. Increased security measures have already made it more difficult for boxers to enter the country. Even in states like Nevada, Boxing Commissioners are routinely rejecting requests to stage matches.
Rather than go after these terrorists directly, the FBI intends to let them run around, getting tired, and then knock them out.
Muhamed Ali is considered the greatest prophet of boxing. It may interest readers to know that the Islamic prophet Muhamed got his name from the boxing leader.
The majority of boxers believe they will receive 72 virgins before they die. Boxers have often been in trouble for their treatment of women, but representatives of the sport insist that women are adequately involved in the field of boxing.
Polls show that 90% of Americans believe that President Obama is secretly a boxer, and that his basketball sessions are a ploy to conceal this.
Tenuous News concludes that, as long as the boxing community deigns to harm only themselves, they should be at liberty to do so in peace. However, when their hateful violence affects the public in general, then action must be taken.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
Advice
Tenuous @ Best advises you to implement the simplification of words, to the point whereby real sentences aren't even being expressed.
In particular, I recommend using the word 'celeb', rather than 'celebrities'. You can even blur the syllables together to say 'sleb'. This will save countless man hours, and even a few female minutes.
The time saved using such an abbreviation will give you an extra year on your life. When you get to your eighties, you will have saved a whole 365 days, which can be used to do crosswords, play bridge, and go swimming with sharks.
The only downside is that you will have become incredibly stupid, and therefore lack the mental capacity to enjoy your bonus hours.
In particular, I recommend using the word 'celeb', rather than 'celebrities'. You can even blur the syllables together to say 'sleb'. This will save countless man hours, and even a few female minutes.
The time saved using such an abbreviation will give you an extra year on your life. When you get to your eighties, you will have saved a whole 365 days, which can be used to do crosswords, play bridge, and go swimming with sharks.
The only downside is that you will have become incredibly stupid, and therefore lack the mental capacity to enjoy your bonus hours.
Review: Psy-Gentleman
Oscar Wilde asserted that "simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex"
South Korea apparently has the highest average IQ in the world. The phenomenon that is the Republic of Korea's Psy would appear to add validity to Wilde's statement. The colliding realities of Gangnam Style and Korean intelligence can only lead us to this conclusion.
It certainly seems that we're scraping the bottom of the barrel for refuges. Which leads us to wonder if Psy can overcome Difficult 2nd Global Irritant Syndrome. Who is he though? Psy (or rather 'Wet Psy') has been very clear on this point.
The latest culmination of organised exhibitionism that Asia specialises in is Psy's 'Gentleman'. That it has taken so long for these skills, (which are so suited to the global pop scene) to dominate is bewildering. Such an approach is clearly better suited to popular music than the movie industry, and yet Bollywood has had considerable influence for a while. Regardless, K-Pop is here to stay.
The very opening beat reminds me of 'Funky Town'. Perhaps this is a testament to how tone deaf I am, and offers an explanation as to why I haven't written music reviews before. Nonetheless, it's fairly apt, as Funky Town is where Psy is taking us, whether we like it or not (not).
In Psy's latest musical video, he appears to be harassing a prostitute. All is well however, as she gets to victimise him towards the end. As those Spinal Tap boys informed us "it's such a fine line between stupid and clever".
It is interesting to observe that while the West are ridiculing the dictats of North Korea's young leader, we are simultaneously eagerly awaiting the latest instructions from South Korea's man of the moment, on how precisely to move our bottoms. And yet, I have found myself getting funky to his latest tune, very much against my will, for I am a misanthropic snob.
Certainly though, Korean culture is easier to endure when not in Korea, and I can see why Gangnam Style was such a worldwide hit, and expect the same for Gentleman.
What precisely a 'Mother Father Gentleman' is however, is anybody's guess.
South Korea apparently has the highest average IQ in the world. The phenomenon that is the Republic of Korea's Psy would appear to add validity to Wilde's statement. The colliding realities of Gangnam Style and Korean intelligence can only lead us to this conclusion.
It certainly seems that we're scraping the bottom of the barrel for refuges. Which leads us to wonder if Psy can overcome Difficult 2nd Global Irritant Syndrome. Who is he though? Psy (or rather 'Wet Psy') has been very clear on this point.
The latest culmination of organised exhibitionism that Asia specialises in is Psy's 'Gentleman'. That it has taken so long for these skills, (which are so suited to the global pop scene) to dominate is bewildering. Such an approach is clearly better suited to popular music than the movie industry, and yet Bollywood has had considerable influence for a while. Regardless, K-Pop is here to stay.
The very opening beat reminds me of 'Funky Town'. Perhaps this is a testament to how tone deaf I am, and offers an explanation as to why I haven't written music reviews before. Nonetheless, it's fairly apt, as Funky Town is where Psy is taking us, whether we like it or not (not).
In Psy's latest musical video, he appears to be harassing a prostitute. All is well however, as she gets to victimise him towards the end. As those Spinal Tap boys informed us "it's such a fine line between stupid and clever".
It is interesting to observe that while the West are ridiculing the dictats of North Korea's young leader, we are simultaneously eagerly awaiting the latest instructions from South Korea's man of the moment, on how precisely to move our bottoms. And yet, I have found myself getting funky to his latest tune, very much against my will, for I am a misanthropic snob.
Certainly though, Korean culture is easier to endure when not in Korea, and I can see why Gangnam Style was such a worldwide hit, and expect the same for Gentleman.
What precisely a 'Mother Father Gentleman' is however, is anybody's guess.
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Saturday, 23 March 2013
The English Eccentric: An Appeal
The English eccentric is dwindling to a critically low mass. Bananas with addresses on them are not reaching their destinations.
The obsessor of dogs, collector of walking sticks, and gentlemanly cricket captains are in short supply. Englishmen (eccentrics are mostly, although not exclusively, men) have long since decided to master simple tasks before having a command of crosswords. Men in Sussex storing jam sandwiches on their heads have been told in no uncertain terms to stop it.
More and more Englishman are becoming monetarists rather than eccentrics. Those eschewing the seriousness of financial gain are becoming insane rather than pleasantly odd. Such is the environment they find themselves in the UK. England now resembles a mental asylum, rather than the care home with characters that it used to.
Away from home Englishmen are trading whimsy for hedonism, which to the trained eye are the same thing. It is not the upper lip which is stiff these days. The precarious position the eccentric holds within society is becoming ever more in danger. Due to an abundance of village idiots, we have become complacent about the amount of eccentrics.
Receding rapidly from the English landscape since the 60s, these rare creatures are now hardly to be seen at all. We desperately need you to send money now. The few remaining peculiar individuals need funding before society demands that they become useful. If we don't subsidise their existence now, they will shortly become Management Consultants, Advertising Executives, Public Relations Officers, or Prime Minister, and be lost forever.
Please send 5 pounds a month, and adopt an eccentric. You can give them a name, and receive monthly newsletters on their lack of progress.
We guarantee that all the money received will be spent efficiently, and pointlessly.
The obsessor of dogs, collector of walking sticks, and gentlemanly cricket captains are in short supply. Englishmen (eccentrics are mostly, although not exclusively, men) have long since decided to master simple tasks before having a command of crosswords. Men in Sussex storing jam sandwiches on their heads have been told in no uncertain terms to stop it.
More and more Englishman are becoming monetarists rather than eccentrics. Those eschewing the seriousness of financial gain are becoming insane rather than pleasantly odd. Such is the environment they find themselves in the UK. England now resembles a mental asylum, rather than the care home with characters that it used to.
Away from home Englishmen are trading whimsy for hedonism, which to the trained eye are the same thing. It is not the upper lip which is stiff these days. The precarious position the eccentric holds within society is becoming ever more in danger. Due to an abundance of village idiots, we have become complacent about the amount of eccentrics.
Receding rapidly from the English landscape since the 60s, these rare creatures are now hardly to be seen at all. We desperately need you to send money now. The few remaining peculiar individuals need funding before society demands that they become useful. If we don't subsidise their existence now, they will shortly become Management Consultants, Advertising Executives, Public Relations Officers, or Prime Minister, and be lost forever.
Please send 5 pounds a month, and adopt an eccentric. You can give them a name, and receive monthly newsletters on their lack of progress.
We guarantee that all the money received will be spent efficiently, and pointlessly.
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