Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Standing in the Way Championship Final

Good afternoon, we'll be covering the Standing in the Way Championship Final live in just a few minutes.

This is a much tougher event than the Doubles, without a partner to aid their lack of awareness, or engage in banal conversations.

And they're not off!

Here's Ms.Cretin, a 40 year old proto-elderly woman from Middle England.

As usual she's begun with the inane chit chat. Many athletes prefer to say nothing, but Ms. Cretin keeps motivated through bantering.

Team Middle England may lack the stamina of the Chinese, but their game is all about the positioning.

And we can see Mr. Sun of China now, simply holding himself upright, determined not to move.

He seems oblivious to the existence of any other humans, which is quite impressive considering that there are around a billion people in China.

Ms. Cretin here is doing awfully well, she's standing exactly in the way, almost perfectly equidistant from either side of the path.

All she needs is to be intelligent and considerate enough to move to one side, but  she refuses to do so.

Not to be outdone we have Mr. Park representing South Korea. Team Korea of course mostly come from the agrarian areas of the country that lack stimuli and have provided so many winners over the years.

We're seeing such stoicism from Mr. Sun, he just will not move until the event is declared over, and is ordered to do so by authority.

One of the judges has hit Mr. Park over the head with a cricket bat, as is his privilege, and Mr. Park continues to look like an inebriated cow, showing no reactions whatsoever.

Quite an extraordinary final, it's anybody's yet.

And they're still not moving!

Ms. Cretin has just blown it, she could no longer stand there without buying something she doesn't need, and Team Middle England will have to settle for bronze.

Mr. Sun is getting out his iPad now, this a little less disciplined, but they wont care on the Chinese bench because he is still very much being obtrusive, taking photos where people need to walk.

And Mr. Park has finally fallen over under the weight of his own inertia, so Mr. Sun claims gold for China, and Mr. Park for South Korea has to settle for silver.

Even in defeat Ms. Cretin is speaking rather than saying anything, which goes to show what a model professional she is.

A little disappointing for Team Middle England, but they should have better luck in the Wasting Everybody's Time at the Checkout Semi Final.

Monday, 22 September 2014

Monday, 15 September 2014

Rats Leading the Sinking Ship

I had been watching a favourite movie film of my childhood, Disney's Basil the Great Mouse Detective. It was a nostalgic indulgence and I didn't expect to glean anything of relevance to contemporary politics. My expectations were incorrect however.

At the story's climax, the villainous Ratigan usurps the Queen of all Mousedom (and the empire, apparently) and starts bestowing decrees.

At 'Item 96' he declares that "A heavy tax shall be levied against all parasites and spongers, such as the elderly, the infirm, and especially little children"

I was quite surprised to find current Tory dogma so succinctly put in an animated feature from nearly 3 decades ago.

Ratigan dislikes being called a rat, despite the fact that he clearly is so, and refers to himself as 'Ratigan'.

Likewise, David Cameron deigns to present himself as a moderniser, despite clearly espousing a Tory ideology, and being a Conservative Prime Minister.

An old mouse responds to this new executive proclamation by protesting:
"This is ridiculous! You're insane!"
Which is almost verbatim my reaction, and I suspect that of many others, when I first read about the Bedroom Tax.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

(Belatedly) My Family Obituary

Long sickening, the British television comedy show 'My Family', has finally died. Whilst My Family was undeniably British and shown on television, the term comedy that was applied to it has been a source of debate.

Tragically, My Family achieved its potential very early in life. My Family died as it lived; desperately trying to appeal to everyone. For a long time My Family staunchly denied that it was ill, and for a short time was successful in this deceit, managing to look healthy and vigorous, whilst in actuality being the exact opposite, much like John F. Kennedy.

Doctors repeatedly warned that My Family would have to give up its habit of contrived jokes, in favour of a healthier lifestyle involving humourous situations, but My Family staunchly rejected this exercise regime, in favour of continuously replacing it's vital organs; an ever increasing cast of characters. Each new transplant was weaker than the last, and would often adapt poorly to the body of work. For years, My Family simply refused help, and had to be kept on the life support machine of zany characters for the last 3 years.

My Family became so broad through its unhealthy lifestyle, that towards the end it would regularly collapse under the weight of its own lethargy. My Family had to endure the indignity of being airlifted to the hospital.

In 2005 My Family’s Heart (Kris Marshall), went on to bigger and better things, becoming a Dick for British Telecom. Many who knew My Family felt it would have been kinder to have let their friend pass away then.

Some have suggested that if you didn’t like My Family, then you didn’t have to watch it; however the same could be said of the Armenian genocide, and indeed much of the world did fail to take notice of the slaughter. Of course, it’s not fair to compare My Family to the tragedy in the Ottoman Empire; the genocide in Armenia only lasted 2 years, whereas the British public had to endure My Family for over a decade.

Like a good many things popular with the British public (such as Enoch Powell for instance), My Family received stern criticism. Although well intentioned, My Family always came across as bland, wooden, and conversationally stunted.  It was this aspect of My Family that made its presence so odious to people intelligent enough to know that when they travel, it’s the vehicle moving and not them. The rest of the public enjoyed the inanity, and projected what they wanted on the bland canvass. More often than not, what they wanted was clich├ęd jokes and a lack of panache.

Whilst in early life appealing to many and not offending the senses of the discerning, in middle age My Family started to embarrass its peers, but was oblivious to the ridicule itself. Much like the 40 year old man with a beer belly and blond highlights in his hair, My Family felt it could still strut its stuff; and like the 40 year old, was often inexplicably successful with young people. My Family tried to keep up by addressing issues such as race and sexuality, but ended up embarrassing itself even further.

So polished it was, My Family was the only turd that could be seen from space. My Family never stood the best chance in life; uncertainty over its parentage and identity issues led My Family to try and appeal to the lowest possible denominator, at great loss of dignity to itself. The public got more out of the arrangement, and My Family at times seemed to resemble a used condom.

The tombstone reads: ‘Beloved Television Show, and not The Life of Riley. Please remember that it wasn’t The Life of Riley.’

We shall try. We hope that you’re now in a better place My Family, because you’re not welcome back here.

Teaching Vacancy

A real online correspondence. Certain names and details have been altered for the sake of privacy.

Dear James and Anna,

Last week I asked you about an alleged teaching vacancy at your organisation.

As a response from yourselves has been lacking, I must assume that either the vacancy wasn't as immediate as advertised, or that you do not want my services.

I shall go to Brighton at 2pm tomorrow in order to ascertain which.

I look forward to seeing you.

Thank-you very much for your time.


Joseph Tessier.

Hello Joseph

I forwarded your CV onto our ADOS (James) here who deals with recruitment. It is a very busy time at the moment so he must have been too busy to get back to you - so apologies. We do have all the teaching staff we need now but will contact you in the future should we need anyone.

Good luck in your job hunt,



Hello Anna,

I fail to see the necessity of your forwarding my CV to James, considering the fact that I sent my CV to the email address which according to you is James'.

I appreciate your apology, but if James is too busy for basic human decency, then I would suggest that your organisation needs to either rethink it's administrative structure, or hire someone of better moral character.

I look forward to discussing the matter with you tomorrow.


Joseph Tessier.


I am sorry you feel that way.

When I met you last week you dropped a paper CV into the school and I personally forwarded it to James as James is based at our other school and I travelled there after. I wasn't referring to the email you sent us both but the paper copy you gave me.

You may fail to see the necessity of this but as I was going there I thought it was a good idea.

James is really busy and hasn't had time to go through all the CVs - although we may need teachers in a few weeks time the immediate need is no longer there. I'm sorry if I gave the impression we'd be in immediate contact. This is not due to any lacking in human decency - just being really busy and hectic at work.



Hello Anna,

I agree in principle that giving the paper to James was a good idea, and appreciate the effort, but it seems to be an effort wasted, as he couldn't even take the time to email me.

As an experiment, I just wrote a rejection email, and it took approximately 15 seconds. I have worked at educational institutions, and I know that admin staff are not too busy to send emails to people. I would like to apply for James' position, as I guarantee that I would be more efficient at his job.

James does not need to go through all the CVs. Once the position is filled, he can write emails of to all those not considered for the job. If that is yet still too time consuming, he could create an impersonal template, and send it to all those rejected in one go. This wouldn't take long at all. If he's really too busy for that, then I don't think he has much to live for. That is working down the mine or in the foundry kind of busy. Everyone knows by now that the 'too busy to reply' thing is a lie; I've called James out on this, and would appreciate a real response from him.

If James is too busy even for email, then I suggest doing what many organisations do, they tell you that if you don't receive a reply by said date, then you haven't been considered. This could have been conveyed to me when I walked in. I was asked if I could start immediately, and after taking the trouble of visiting the building itself, I was asked to email my CV. We can put that down to modern life, but after that, I really should have been given a reply from one of you. I looked around, the staff on the desk didn't look that busy at all. And you yourself had time to talk to me, and give James my CV. I find it scarcely credible that it was beyond the efforts of the whole organisation to send a reply to someone who had applied for a job in person.

Once again, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.


Joseph Tessier.

Dear Joseph,

Anna has made me aware of your emails. Please be aware that by not responding I had meant no slight on your CV or person and I understand your frustration at the lack of an answer on my part.

We currently have enough teachers. For that reason, I would ask you not to come tomorrow as there would be no productive outcome in visiting us at this point.

Once again, I apologise for the inconvenience this has caused you. I wish you the best of luck with your future endeavours.



Dear James,

Thank-you for your reply. I appreciate the acknowledgement of my existence.

I only hope that the time taken to write the email has not completely derailed the plans of the company.

Based on my experience so far, I expected no productive outcome from my proposed visit tomorrow. However, in accordance to your wishes, I shall refrain from going to the building.

I would like to be kept in consideration for future vacancies.


Joseph Tessier.

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Piers Morgan Vs US Gun Lobby

Enough is enough.

Until America wakes up, stops their partisan bickering, and actually passes some meaningful anti-Piers Morgan legislation, this kind of senseless waste of space is going to continue.