Saturday, 23 April 2016

Tenuous News: Ghostly Old Party

Tenuous News can exclusively reveal that the GOP establishment have taken drastic measures to stop Trump gaining the Republican nomination, leading to what many of them think would be a heavy defeat to Hillary Clinton.

The Republican insiders have summoned the Ghost of Ronald Reagan, in a last ditch attempt to unite the party. This will be Reagan's third iteration on this earth,  the first being as an FDR Democrat. The spectre looks very much like his mortal form, however his views on immigration are radically different to the original.

In an effort to appeal to current GOP voters, the Ghost of Reagan has vowed to halt illegal immigration, despite signing an amnesty for 3 million undocumented workers in 1986. Despite his best efforts, the ghoul is the most popular candidate with Hispanics in the Republican race.

Donald Trump has expressed doubt over the validity of his candidacy, and wasted no time in demanding to see his death certificate.

"I will build a wall, between our world and the temporal realm." vowed  Trump. "They're bringing unfinished business, they're bringing ectoplasmic slime, they're evil spirits. And some I assume, are good dead people." he said of the deceased.

"Mr. Trump, tear down this wall" demanded the Ghost of Reagan.

The plan may not go as Republicans planned however, as Tea Partiers have already complained that the Ghost of Reagan's position on abortion is too liberal, resembling as they do his views as time as Governor of California.

The very real possibility of a dead man becoming president for the first time before a woman has irked Hillary Clinton supporters.

"The fact that Bernie Bros. blame the Clintons for the banking crisis rather than the Ghost of Reagan confirms our suspicion all along that their movement is sexist." said an anonymous Clinton adviser.

One of the drawbacks to coming back as a ghost is that he can't feel anything, but in this respect he's not all that different from the other GOP candidates.

Ted Cruz would appear to have harmed his chances of being his running mate, with his 'Hollywood values' comments previous. Cruz has further insisted that the Ghost of Reagan isn't a real conservative, pointing to the fact that he raised the debt ceiling 18 times, and tripled the federal debt during his 2 living terms.

Hillary Clinton has already taken steps to nullify his appeal, by reminding voters that she's a 'Goldwater Girl'.

Bernie Sanders has said that as President he will try to emulate the original Reagan by raising taxes in 7 of the 8 years that he hopes to be in office.

The Ghost Reagan is hoping to win by a landslide akin to his victory as a mortal in 1980. To this end he has been keen to remind Democratic voters that he never bailed out big banks, only Social Security in 1983.

More controversially he has supported the Iran Deal, pointing to the fact that he negotiated with the Soviet Union. This in particular has left the Republican base in despair.

Not having the unifying effect that the Republican establishment had hoped, there are rumours that the Second Coming of Christ could emerge as a white knight candidate at a brokered convention.

Trump has been quick to declare him as too nice "Can you imagine him dealing with China?" and went on to boast about his womanising "I'm always the Second Coming."

It's not certain that America is ready for a Middle Eastern candidate. The Clinton campaign has said they are not convinced that a Jew throwing the money changers out of the temple would appeal to the American people.

It looks as though all these machinations behind the scenes could be academic, with the latest California poll showing Trump at 90% favourability, the Ghost of Reagan at 6%, Cruz at 3.5%, Jesus of Nazareth barely registering, and Kasich so low as to leave voters wondering if he even really exists.

Monday, 4 April 2016

Travail Blog: Korea Prospects. Part One

Korea was the first time I lived abroad. My plane to South Korea wasn't direct, and when I arrived in Dubai I heard a man say "Hot innit?" It was such English wisdom that I was trying to escape.

I had left behind UK celebrity culture, the BNP, political and economic crises, and most of all Carol Ann Duffy.

I recall being picked up at the airport by an 'agent', who would drive me to my employer. It was quite a long ride, and my abiding memory is one of intense fear. The driver was very pleasant though, and was a keen fan of Muse.  This I later learned gave me a rather misleading impression of Koreans' taste in music.

My initial experience was mixed. On the one hand I needed a lot less money and expertise than I anticipated, on the other I needed a lot more stoicism and patience.

The local supermarket was called 'HomePlus'. Later, I met an obnoxious man who would helpfully sing 'Home Plus Plus, Plussee Wankers' to the store tune. It may be reassuring for readers to know that his girlfriend had sex with as many men as she could. On my first visit, I saw small mammals in the pet section, and a young child gave me a bit of grass to feed the rabbit. Possibly the cutest thing ever.

Woody Allen once said something to the effect of: An idea is never as good as when it is in your head. I felt somewhat like this at the start of my tenure in Korea.

Soju is a poorly made spirit, native to Korea. Contemporaries often referred to it as 'Victory Gin'. After my first day of teaching, I got completely wasted on this drink and created a fantasy for myself that I was caught on the wrong side of a civil war zone and had to get back home. I awoke the next day with unexplained bruises.

It was perplexing in the extreme to be suddenly considered good looking. I was also slightly wary. "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member" as Groucho Marx put it.

I was told early on by one of my peers that every foreigner in our town has problems. This made me feel at home quicker than I might have otherwise.

Arriving in this land to teach felt very much like going to an audition, being hired on the spot for my looks, and told that filming starts tomorrow. And then receiving the script on set followed by drinks with Oliver Reed and chums.

I soon learned that people in Korea generally can't think innovatively about a product, but can however practice a skill ad infintum to perfection. I had found myself in peculiar circumstances, that of an ASD man who many doubted would ever speak, teaching English in a country that is essentially autistic.

With everyone I knew there on virtually the same wages and with the same status, the social order relied solely upon force of personality. This had an almost savage equality to it.

I was rather struck by the unusual form of sexism that Korea produced; The Victorian era laced with the 1970s.  Women had the right to wear extremely short skirts, but not to smoke in public. It's almost as if they just took whatever ideas that would benefit the men.

I remember one of the students in my favourite class said that she didn't like Barack Obama because his middle name is 'Hussein'. I asked her if she knew who Alexander the Great was. She did. I then proceeded to explain that my middle name is Alexander, and that I had no intention of conquering the known world (OK, maybe I do a little bit.)

Living in Korea was intense. I felt like Sam Tyler, constantly grappling with a world that didn't make sense, and yet finding myself more at home than I had ever been. There are many people you meet in life that you want to beat around the head. But there are also the other kind. I was happy to meet many of those in Korea.

Monday, 3 August 2015

Tenuous News: All Rhodes Lead to Cecil

In 2018, Zimbabwe will hold national elections. The ruling party ZANU-PF has split, with Mugabe likely facing Mujuru in the contest.

The Movement for Democratic Change has also seen some internal upheaval. Tsvangirai has been urged to step aside, and allow a charismatic young lion by the name of Rhodes to lead the party.

A member of MDC spoke to us on the condition of anonymity:
"We feel that Rhodes will be more popular with the electorate, and that when our candidate inevitably receives physical beatings, that at least our efforts will get international attention."

The hope is that a lion candidate will help broaden the appeal of the party, and demonstrate to the world that Zimbabwe is an inclusive society for all species.

"Frankly, I think it's highly patronising to suggest that all safari animals would vote for MDC just because there's a lion on the ticket" said a conservative observer.

We spoke with an MDC supporter:
"I think the comparisons with Caligula's equine senator are unfair, that was ridiculous as the senator was not properly elected."

"It's just a sad fact of political life in Africa these days that if you want to get in power you need a lion named after a white supremacist." said our source.

However, there are drawbacks to Rhode's candidacy. He will have to fight the common prejudiced view that male lions are lazy.

Rhode's lack of political experience though is seen as a great advantage, with many in Zimbabwe completely fed up with politics as usual.

"We got the idea to have a lion candidate after seeing Donald Trump's hair." said our source.

Very early polls put Rhodes far into the lead, but a lot could happen between now and the election in 3 years time, and there are rumours that Mugabe will step down as a candidate in favour of an unknown dentist.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Republican Candidates

The GOP field are bringing fear, they are bringing hate, they're racists, and some I assume are good people.

Friday, 3 July 2015


I'm all for equal rights, but it seems very fashionable to be born gay these days.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Tenuous News: A Marriage Made in Ireland

Immediately following the 'Yes' vote for gay marriage, millions of men have been unable to become aroused and have sexual relations with their wives.

The only good news to be gleaned from this is that increased sales for erectile dysfunction pills have boosted the world economy. The world's biggest seller of ED pills, the Prince of Nigeria has done particularly well out of the referendum.

The outlook for Ireland itself though looks bleak. The severe reduction of heterosexual activity will greatly diminish the population of Ireland to a degree not seen since the potato famine.

"This time we can't even blame England, we inflicted this upon ourselves with a 'Yes' vote. They better reverse this sooner than it took the English to repeal the Corn Laws." lamented Father Befuddled.

This may be just as well, for the remaining population will have to deal with floods of biblical proportions as a direct result of homosexuals getting married.

As Irish gays cause floods, and American gays create drought, a swap deal is already being discussed between the 2 governments.

"Even my faith has been shaken by this development. Some terrible things have been done in the name of our Good Lord, but this is the absolute blurst." said Father Befuddled.

Traditionally a natural union has been seen as a marriage between a man and a woman, or a lack of marriage between a priest and a child.

"It's the last days of Rome. Cats and dogs living together; mass hysteria." said Father Befuddled.

The threat of excommunication no longer frightens the Irish populace, 76% of whom believe that it refers to being defriended on facebook.

"It's theological illiteracy is what it is. It takes years of being in the faith to choose certain things prohibited in the Bible, in a way that perfectly matches your own prejudices." said Father Befuddled.

Having conquered marriage, the homosexual community have set their sights on other failed institutions, such as the Oireachtas, and even FIFA. Homosexualists have already seized control of the BBC, and their influence has spread throughout the world.

"I was in America preaching to the flock, and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force stormed the church." complained Father Befuddled.

There is however still hope in Ireland. The heterosexual holdout of Roscommon-South Leitrim, is seeing thousands of heterosexuals and Catholics flock to the region, which is sure to become a bastion of morality.

"Roscommon-South Leitrim will be the only place in the whole of Ireland in which an all-loving, all powerful, and all present God can feel secure, and we welcome Him." said Father Befuddled.

Meanwhile the outpouring of love and tolerance in Dublin has been unbearable for those who follow Jesus. 

Monday, 4 May 2015

Travail Blog: My Sweet Home Kyoto

Actually, as a whole I didn't especially like Kyoto. It reminded me too much of other small cities with an entitled feel, such as Brighton and Canterbury. Granted these 2 are nice to visit for a day, but I think you'd feel short changed if you stayed a couple of days, as I did in Kyoto. Perhaps it's a good place to live though.

Geisha's are terrifying by the way. I'm a little ignorant on the variants of Geisha and their roles, but regardless, I certainly wouldn't want to have sexual relations with the clown ghost I encountered.

The main purpose of my visit wasn't to overhear idiotic backpackers interrogate waiting staff on the contents of smoothies and demand visual previews of sandwiches; it was to make my pilgrimage to the Nintendo HQ.

I had finally made it to this hitherto mysterious and far away land of Japan. And this month got around to visiting Kyoto. The building itself was but a short walk from the subway station. You can't go in and there's not much to see. Bit like Mecca really, which is after all just a big cube.

The journey wasn't as long as I thought it would be, but the effect the visit would have on me was much more than I anticipated.

I sat in a nearby cafe, and looked at the silver Nintendo sign, thinking back to when I first saw it in green, accompanied by a 'bling!' on my Game Boy decades ago.

My 2DS battery was almost dead, but I managed to take a photo with it. This seemed to be symbolic of something.

I walked around the office building to take closer pictures and get a better look. It was hard to believe. It was such a modest structure. The nearby cafe bore no awareness of it's proximity to the centre of one of the world's biggest companies. The whole area was very humble, even derelict in places.

I'm not proud of it, but I broke down and cried. Such a ridiculous response I felt, and so little to see. But on reflection, I realise it was not such a silly or small thing.

Since my parents correctly surmised that a young autistic boy would be captivated by a Game Boy, Nintendo has been an enduring provider of entertainment.

I remember being grateful to my mother for helping me complete a game. I remember playing through Donkey Kong Country with my brother, I remember my sister yet again pressing the wrong button. I have fond memories of playing countless games of Mario Kart with my friends, and being privately devoured by the definitive story of good vs evil that is Ocarina of Time. I recall my father trying, and awkwardly failing to relate to me via my love of computer games.

But these are just details. Throughout the years as I have seen my situation profoundly change, my family torn asunder, and erstwhile friends abandon me (sometimes with justification, but gone nonetheless), Nintendo has been a constant source of happiness.

And this is why I lowered myself, and wept before 8 letters on a building.